


i know i am, but what are you?

by superstringtheory



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bottom Klaus Hargreeves, Caretaking, Common Cold, Consensual Kink, Established Relationship, Fever, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Medical Kink, Playing Doctor, Sick Character, Sickfic, Teasing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-22
Packaged: 2020-09-24 07:10:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20354452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superstringtheory/pseuds/superstringtheory
Summary: Klaus justknowsthat Dave has a secret kink he's not telling him about- or else how could anyone so seemingly vanilla want the veritable smorgasbord that is Klaus Hargreeves?Then Klaus comes down with a terrible head cold, and Dave starts acting weird.





	i know i am, but what are you?

**Author's Note:**

> As an aside, friends, this story features illness/caretaking kink! There wasn't necessarily a tag for that so I tagged it as best I could, but take note of that if it's not exactly what you're looking for. 
> 
> Otherwise, this is some sort of vague AU where Dave lives and is in the present day and is a fourth grade teacher because that's goddamn adorable and no one can tell me any different. Klaus has also overcome his addiction and he and Dave live in a cute little house with original hardwood flooring.

“I know you’ve got one,” Klaus wheedles, for the umpteenth time. 

“I like your hair like this,” Dave says, tucking an errant curl behind Klaus’ ear. “You look like a little cherub.” 

It’s true, Klaus supposes. He’s let his hair grow longer and it just gets curlier as it goes, haloing around his head in ringlets. 

“You didn’t answer me.” He knows he’s being a brat, but he can’t help it. He just  _ knows _ that Dave has something. He has to. No one can be this vanilla and still want the buffet of flavors that is Klaus Hargreeves. 

He leaves it alone for the night, because he knows that he can be annoying and the way to find out your boyfriend’s secret kink is probably not to pester him about it endlessly- unless his kink involves being annoyed, which Klaus doubts. 

Two weeks later, Klaus comes down with a nasty head cold, and Dave starts acting weird. 

***

It’s the first time Klaus has been sick since they’ve been together, which is pretty much a miracle since Klaus has always had a shitty immune system. Erratically couch-surfing his way across the city while doing any number of drugs at any given time didn’t really help. 

Right now, he’s battling with the common cold- he’d stayed home from work today and Dave had texted him  _ so many times _ that it was hard to lie down and rest because his phone kept buzzing with messages about how was he feeling and did he think he needed anything from Walgreens and was he drinking enough water. 

Klaus coughs until he thinks he might pass out, and then shrugs back into the couch, where he and Dave are ostensibly watching some sort of home renovation show. 

“I think I might have a fever,” he says, congested. His voice sounds all stuffy and not like himself, and Dave keeps asking Klaus to repeat himself-- which is weird-- but Klaus figures it’s just that he’s not doing a great job keeping track of which consonants go where. 

“Feel my forehead?” Klaus asks, and Dave twists around so quickly that his back cracks. His cheeks are all red like when he’s embarrassed and-- oh.  _ Oh. _

Klaus grabs for Dave’s hand and smashes it up against his face. 

“Is this it?  _ This _ ?” 

Dave groans, and Klaus breaks into a smile. 

“Please,” Dave says, nearly panting. “Pleaseletmetakecareofyou.” 

***

And it’s too easy by half, isn’t it, to drive Dave crazy now that Klaus knows his  _ thing _ . It’s amazing to watch him get all squirmy when Klaus asks him to feel his forehead or says that he’s not feeling well or sneezes loudly into his elbow. 

Sure, Klaus has been told he’s good in bed before, and he’s definitely played around with some kinky people- he’s not unfamiliar with handcuffs or sounding or breathplay. He’s had dalliances with leather and calling men with beards ‘Daddy.’ Then there was that time that he dated a feeder for a few weeks because she had a really nice bed and he was curious- it was fun while it lasted, but he got bored with never feeling hungry and moved on to find a new sensation. 

It’s not that he didn’t enjoy any of those things, he thinks-- he’s always been down to try pretty much anything-- it’s that he didn’t really care about any of the  _ people _ . With Dave, it’s different. He wants to make him happy long-term, wants to turn him on. Wants to feel wanted for longer than a night or two. 

Of course, his cold doesn’t last forever, but it’s fun while it does- Dave gets the  _ cutest _ blush on his cheeks when he brings Klaus tea and toast in bed and kisses his warm forehead. 

Klaus asks Dave to take his temperature and Dave almost drops the thermometer, he’s so nervous and excited. 

“I’ve never told anyone about this before,” he says as they’re waiting for the thermometer to beep. “I never thought I would find someone as open-minded as you.” 

The thermometer lets out a tinny little sound, and Dave takes it and holds it up to check the reading. 

“A hundred even,” he says, and-- dare Klaus say it?-- he sounds a little disappointed. 

“Honey,” Klaus says, moving closer. “As far as kinks go, yours is absolutely adorable, and I’m completely game. Next time I’ll cook up a better fever for you, all right?” He waggles his eyebrows at Dave.

Now Dave’s blushing again, and almost  _ tearing up _ and God, Klaus doesn’t deserve him. What ever did he do in some past turn of the wheel of Ka to get a boyfriend who gets turned on by, like, feeding him soup? It’s pretty much the most wholesome thing Klaus has ever heard. 

*** 

Klaus has never been so excited to get sick before, but of course now that he’s anticipating it, he’s healthy as a horse. For weeks on end. 

“Sorry I’ve been so hale and hearty lately,” he says to Dave over breakfast one morning, and Dave almost chokes on a mouthful of cereal. 

“Pardon?” Dave says once he’s recovered himself. 

“You know…” Klaus hedges, looking up at Dave through his eyelashes, which someone once told him looked fake, and Klaus was both flattered and insulted at the same time. 

Dave continues to look blank. Maybe he’s still waking up. 

“I  _ mean _ ,” Klaus says. “I haven’t gotten sick since… well, since the last time.” 

“ _ Oh _ .” Dave blushes deeply, like down to his little blond roots, and it’s quite possibly the cutest fucking thing Klaus has ever seen. 

“Well,” Dave says, “I don’t just want you to get sick; I’m not a masochist. I just…” He pauses, the tips of his ears still pink. “When you  _ do _ get sick, it’ll be worth waiting for, because I’ll love taking care of you.” 

“Okay,” Klaus agrees. “I’ll be the best little patient.” 

“You’ll be a pain, and you know it.” Dave leans over the little table to kiss him, and Klaus feels imbued with warmth and love. 

Is this what it feels like to be with someone for real? 

*** 

It’s another month after that, and Klaus is getting  _ very tired _ of waiting around. Back when he was bumming cigarettes off of every other person on the street or exchanging dirty bills for blow in alleyways, he felt like he was always dragging around some cough or another. And back then, he didn’t even have a good  _ reason _ to be sick; it was just a minor annoyance that sometimes turned into a major one, and then he’d either wait it out or go mope around looking pathetic until Diego brought him to the urgent care clinic. 

So he decides that he can make his own serendipity, and so he does. It takes about ten days for Dave to really catch on, but in that time, Klaus has: purposefully stayed up way too late so that he gets a headache; “accidentally” eaten too much Chinese food so Dave can give him a belly rub and bring him Alka-Seltzer; and come to visit Dave’s fourth-grade classroom and looked around far too hopefully for any sniffly little kids he can get to cough on him. 

“I know what you’re doing,” Dave says that night after they’re both home from work. “You’re so obvious I can’t believe you were never arrested for buying drugs. You sure you’re clairvoyant and not just lucky?” 

Klaus rolls his eyes, but sweetly fits himself into Dave’s arms and kisses him. “I know I’m lucky,” he says. “And I just… I want to turn you on. In that special way.” 

Dave pulls back to kiss Klaus on the tip of his nose. “I know, babe, but it’s not going to be special for me if I know you’re trying to hurt yourself. And before you say anything, no, ‘I got pneumonia for you, Dave’ is not going to make me happy.” 

Klaus eyes Dave, shrewd. “You mean you wouldn’t love to tend to me all feverish and coughing? Prop me up on pillows and feed me soup?” 

“Fine,” Dave allows, with a slightly pained look on his face. “I’d like it. But I wouldn’t like that you did it on purpose. Does that make sense?” 

“Aye-aye, captain,” Klaus says cheekily, and Dave kisses him again, on the corner of the mouth, then on the lips. 

“I like you just the way you are, Klaus Hargreeves,” Dave tells him. “And don’t worry, it’ll happen.” 

In the meantime, Dave has some other ideas, and it turns out that those are pretty fun, too. 

He gets Klaus to recount that time he’d had bronchitis and had spent a week recuperating, feverish and irritable, on Diego’s pull-out sofa. 

“Diego’s girlfriend kept trying to get me to breathe over a bowl of steam,” Klaus says. “I told her where she could put the bowl and Diego made me write her an apology letter.” He laughs a little. 

“And,” Klaus remembers. “There was that time I crashed at Vanya’s dorm room because I got strep throat…” Just the memory is enough to make him wince. 

“Her roommate kicked me out after a week or two,” Klaus reminisces, a little wistfully. “I think I’d overstayed my welcome.” 

“Mm,” Dave says, running a hand through Klaus’ hair. “Can’t imagine that.” 

“Well,” Klaus allows. “After I felt better I might have thrown a party in their room.” 

“A-ha.” 

“Well, you can’t blame me, Dave! There were a lot of ghosts in that dorm.” Klaus shivers for effect. “I just wanted some living company. It was  _ so _ boring to just sit in that room and think about how much my throat hurt.” 

Dave hugs him then, and presses his face into Klaus and breathes him in. 

“Don’t worry,” Dave says. “Next time you’re sick, you’ll have me.” 

“That’s right,” Klaus says, delighted and devious. “I  _ will _ have you.” 

*** 

Except, of course, that timing is a bitch. Dave has to go out of town for a teaching conference over a long weekend and Klaus sees him off early on Friday morning, yawning as he kisses him goodbye and promising that he’ll go back to bed for a bit before getting up for the day. 

But he can’t fall asleep when he’s back in bed, and all day he’s tired, dragging, and his head hurts. At first, Klaus chalks it up to missing Dave and an earlier than normal wake-up time, but by the time he’s leaving work, his throat feels scratchy and he can’t deny it: he’s getting sick. And just when Dave is not there. 

Luck: 1. Klaus: 0. 

*** 

They don’t FaceTime the first night Dave’s away- he has to go to dinner with colleagues and Klaus says that he’s going to bed early. 

He never sleeps as well when Dave’s not there, but he has an especially restless night- it’s always harder to ignore the ghostly voices and wails when he’s alone, particularly if he’s not feeling well. So many of those old geezers had died of the plague or what-have-you and they just  _ love _ to latch onto anyone looking a little under the weather and try to tell them that they’re going to die of the Spanish Flu. 

Klaus knows that it’s not true, knows that the ghosts don’t mean him any harm- they’re just lost and clinging to their last vestiges of humanity, like any other person. But when he wakes up feeling lonely and shivery, he can’t keep it to himself. 

He texts Dave. 

**Klaus Hargreeves:** _ghosts were bad last night :( _

Dave responds by calling him on FaceTime, and Klaus swipes to answer even though he’d been hoping to maybe surprise Dave with this when he gets home, because hopefully by then he’ll feel better enough to have some fun. 

Right now, he feels like he’s really coming down with something and like he wants to go back to bed for the next year. Possibly longer. 

“Hey,” Klaus says when Dave appears on the screen. There’s an ugly painting of a horse on the wall behind Dave; he’s in a hotel in some city whose name Klaus can’t recall at the moment. It’s within driving distance, Klaus knows that much- but it’s not exactly close. He wasn’t really paying attention when Dave told him, to be perfectly honest. 

“Did you just wake up?” Dave wants to know. “You sound a little…” 

“No,” Klaus admits, and sniffs. “I just have a little sore throat.” 

Dave’s eyebrows do a thing, and Klaus can’t help but crack a smile, even though his head is starting to pound and breathing is no longer an autonomous function but now a thing he has to think about. 

“Hmm,” is all Dave says at first, and then Klaus can see that his hands are clenched into fists. Well. Even if he doesn’t feel that great, at least he can do a  _ little _ teasing. 

“You love my sick voice. You love how manly and throaty I sound.” Klaus clears his throat, grimaces, then smiles. 

Dave pauses, then can’t seem to help himself. 

“How do you really feel, sweetness? You look tired.” Dave’s getting way too close to his computer screen- Klaus can practically count his nose hairs. 

Klaus shrugs. He’s felt worse before, and he’s certainly felt a lot better. 

“I think it’s still developing,” he says. “But do you want a”-- he tries to lower his voice and just ends up irritating his throat--”symptom overview so far?” He pauses for a moment to turn his head away from the phone screen and sneeze into his shoulder. 

When he checks the screen again, Dave’s biting his lip. 

“I… I think it’s only prudent.” 

“Oh, don’t be such a prude,” Klaus says. “You wanna play doctor with me, and you know it.” 

*** 

One thing that Klaus has learned about Dave is that he’s absolutely single-minded when it comes to this kind of thing. 

Klaus hasn’t even gotten to describing the pinchy feeling at the bridge of his nose or how there’s all this mucusy crud starting to gather in his lungs and Dave already has his dick out. 

It’s not the first time they’ve done this. As it turns out, Dave is  _ particularly  _ partial to hearing about Klaus getting bronchitis and convalescing on Diego’s IKEA catalog-special couch, and how much Klaus would’ve loved to have had Dave there putting cold compresses on his fevered brow or warming him up with his body heat. 

They’ve even playacted it a little--Klaus pretending to need Dave’s magical healing cock to make him feel all better-- and it’s the easiest, best sex Klaus has ever had. All he really has to do is lie there and let Dave take care of him. 

If someone had told him a few years ago that in the future he’d be sober and playing doctor to keep his hot boyfriend randy, Klaus would’ve laughed in their face. 

Now, it’s easy, especially when he actually feels sick. 

“You’re too sweet,” Klaus tells Dave after Dave’s finished and cleaned himself up and immediately asked Klaus what he wants or needs. Typical- Dave’s so selfless that he’s already basically creaming himself at wanting to mother hen Klaus, and so here he is making sure Klaus is doing okay. 

“I’m doing great,” Klaus assures him, even though he sneezes right after and makes a little sound of pain when it hurts his sinuses. 

“I want you to take some cough medicine and try to take a nap,” Dave instructs, like he just can’t help himself. Good old Dave, of course he has their medicine cabinet well-stocked, just in case. 

Klaus agrees, and they sign off, because Dave regretfully has to get ready for a day of conference activities. Klaus spends the rest of the morning on the couch because he doesn’t feel much like moving, but after that he can’t deny that he really needs some sort of something to take the edge off of his headache and sore throat. 

The ghosts are starting to get a little louder, too, since he’s not focusing on tuning them out, and there's only so much a guy can take of being told that his cough is starting to sound like his humors are out of balance and maybe he just needs to be bled? 

Leeches, ew. 

Klaus dozes on top of his bed for a while after that, and pops a couple of Sudafed. Once they kick in, he rallies around 4 p.m. and UberEats himself some ramen from that place Dave likes so much. He texts Dave a picture of a noodle dangling from chopsticks. 

**Dave Katz: ** _ wish I were there _

**Klaus Hargreeves:** _don’t you ever_

He sends another picture of himself snuggled in some blankets on the couch, and can just imagine Dave groaning with how much he wants to be there. Sure enough, his next text says it all. 

**Dave Katz:** _want me to come home early? _

Klaus bites his lip, considering- it’s really just one more night and part of the day tomorrow. He’s not feeling too bad, so there’s no need for Dave to come home, much as Klaus would enjoy it. 

**Klaus Hargreeves:** _no, it’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow and we’ll have a good time ;) _

***

This plan seems great until Klaus has to get up at 5 a.m. because his throat hurts too much to sleep any longer and he can’t seem to stop coughing and that old WWI vet keeps yammering on about trench fever and it’s just  _ so much _ . 

Dave does end up getting home hours earlier than expected-- Klaus is sure he must’ve skipped out on some conference activities in order to do that-- and so Klaus is miserably propped up on the couch when Dave arrives, hair and teeth unbrushed. 

“Ugh,” Klaus croaks. “I didn’t have time to make myself look more presentable.” A cough claws its way up his throat, ugly and cryptid- a creature all teeth and nothing else. 

Then Dave’s right next to the couch and Klaus is hugging him around the waist. 

“I missed you,” Klaus says to somewhere in the region of Dave’s belly button. 

“I missed you, too,” Dave says, disengaging gently and sitting down on the couch. 

“I don’t feel good,” Klaus mutters, and Dave pushes his hair back from his forehead and frowns.

“You’re burning up, baby.”

Of course, Dave’s already halfway to the bathroom to retrieve the thermometer by the time Klaus registers that he got up. Everything seems fuzzy around the edges and he’s too warm or too cold, he can’t really be sure. 

Dave doesn’t share the thermometer reading with Klaus, but just frowns and cups Klaus’ cheek in his hand. 

“How did you get so sick, honey?” Klaus shrugs, and Dave tsks. “Now that just won’t do.” 

***

And it doesn’t. It turns out, copious amounts of Theraflu, Sudafed, and boyfriend snuggles can go a long way to making Klaus feel better. By late afternoon, his fever’s down and he’s feeling well enough to enjoy cuddling up on the couch with the t.v. on in the background. 

“You’re terrible at taking care of yourself,” Dave sighs after he learns that Klaus didn’t eat much or properly take medicine or rest well while he was away. 

“Maybe I just need you to do it for me.” Klaus raises an eyebrow at Dave. 

“You’re such a tease,” Dave tells him. 

“I know,” Klaus says back, and then he has to stop and cough for a little bit. So okay, he’s not exactly batting a hundred yet, but he’s on a base, and that’s about as much as Klaus ever cares to think about baseball. 

“I ran into one of my students at the pharmacy,” Dave confesses, going pink again. “He saw me buying all this stuff and got all concerned and asked me if I was sick. I had to tell him it was for you and I almost lost it.” 

“You kinky little minx,” Klaus says. “If they only knew.” 

Dave makes a face. 

“Don’t worry,” Klaus says. “I’ll save my sick voice just for you.” He gives Dave a little kiss, and then whispers hoarsely in his ear. “And if you’re good, maybe I’ll even cough on you later.” He pauses. “Oh, you liked that idea, didn’t you?” 

“You have no clue,” Dave says. 

“Mm,” Klaus says. “I think I’m starting to.” 

*****

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, I'm on [tumblr](superstringtheory.tumblr.com). The Dave in this story is my Mary Sue.


End file.
